RATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Updated Aug 2023 ~ What are your 3 numbers?
I’ve been fascinated for a long time with dating and relationships. In particular, the choices we make and where they lead us, which explains my mission to help you navigate both the fun and frustration in the white hot world of dating.
I’ve been thinking about a new simple scale that would instantly and accurately rate relationships. A way to assess things without overthinking or stressing out. I mean, for years, people have been using the 10 scale to describe how attractive someone is; that’s a simple scale. But it isn’t helpful if you want to rate the person — you know, what someone’s like on the inside, relative to compatibility.
I developed the quiz at 21traits.com to help people make better choices in the first place. This works by filtering partners in or out, based on personality traits that make you more compatible. You should know the priority you place on independence, communication, sense of humor, really all of the 21traits.
But creating a scale that rates the two of you together is different. I wanted it to be quick, simple, and useful — a tool, not a game. An exercise that would instantly help you rate how aligned you are as a couple, and the potential for the relationship to thrive in the long term.
The New Scale
This new scale goes way beyond looks. I mean, you wouldn’t be with them if you didn’t find them attractive in the first place, right? We’ll also assume there’s great chemistry and rapport; otherwise, there’s no relationship to rate.
I’m happy to say, I’m ready to share this new scale with you. It’s based on what I consider the 3 most critical — and predictive — factors for compatibility in the long run: Goals, Trust, Timing.
We eventually have this conversation in our heads in a general and unstructured way. Why not assess things with more focus and intention?
So, how about we ditch the 10 scale that describes looks, and use this new scale to clarify your long term prospects: whether to invest further in the relationship. You can do this exercise in your head in less than a minute but it’s designed to reveal the deepest aspects of long term compatibility.
On a scale from 1 to 10, rate each of these on how you and your partner align as a couple:
· How similar are your goals?
· What’s your degree of trust?
· How in sync is your timing?
Goals, Trust, Timing
If you think mutual interests are more important than mutual goals, think again. You don’t have to do everything together but you do have to wind up in the same place. Mutual goals, the big ones, are far more important in the long run.
For example, depending on your stage in life, you should be on the same page regarding kids, or where you want to live, your lifestyle, work and finances, travel, even retirement plans. If any of these aren’t at least in the same ballpark, you may not be suited for the long run together. Your goals should be aligned, complementary, compatible.
The second rating goes to trust. That doesn’t just mean how reliable and honest you are with each other. It also means that you and your partner feel open, natural, and at ease with each other. That you can be yourselves. Authenticity is fundamental to trust.
You can tell when trust and authenticity are missing. For instance, one of you holds back expressing your view or how you feel, there’s tension when talking about certain topics, you’re compromising more than you want to, or you don’t feel like you can be yourself. Being yourself and trusting each other are inextricably linked. Together, they provide a critical foundation.
The third item is all about timing. The relationship can only grow if you’re equally interested, available, and motivated to continue. This assessment is as much intuitive as what you actually communicate in conversation and actions. Be careful not to assess your readiness alone; the timing must align for both of you. Timing really is…everything.
With all that in mind, let’s go back to assessing your compatibility for the long run. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your alignment as a couple, on these three things:
· Goals
· Trust
· Timing
Your Rating
If you rated any one of those less than an 8, it might be the wrong partner or the wrong time. If you rated them all 8 or higher, you might have a real shot at something. But 8 is the baseline. Ideally, those 3 numbers go up over time, to all 9s and 10s; if that’s the case, you’re in special and hopeful territory.
If you’ve been dating someone for a while, isn’t it worth a moment to assess compatibility for the long term?
What about your partner? Should you encourage them to rate your relationship on this scale, too? You bet. When the time comes, being on the same page with these things is essential.
Goals, Trust, Timing. What are your 3 numbers?
Identify your Critical Compatibilities™ to find and attract better matches. Take the free 90 second quiz at 21traits.com.
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